and you said cock pushups were impossible
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
