Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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