we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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