So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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