I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
