I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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