I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
