hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
