What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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