is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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