No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
