remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
