That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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