Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
