My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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