I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
