She announced her abortion via fbk
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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