Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
