Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
