You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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