she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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