Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
