So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
