Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
