I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
