Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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