final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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