guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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