is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I did not marry a roomba.
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