Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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