i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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