Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
