Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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