I need to stop coming to work sober
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Is this like a preordered booty call?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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