I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
