I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Girls should come with a carfax report
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
