i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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