just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Dick very happy bro
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
