I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
