yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
