he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
