I CAN MOONWALK!
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
