the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Randomize
