I got chris browned last night
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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