She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
