would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
