So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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