3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
