a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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