All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
