I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
