There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
