You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
me + whiskey = a bad person
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
