You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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