i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
