My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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