We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
