How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
