Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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