my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
