if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
