Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
